Ugh, I drank all this tea to help me sleep, but I just keep going to the bathroom… *checks label* oh no! Celestial Seasonings Peepeetime Tea?!
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Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
How is it my dog understands the word no, but my children don’t?
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
[ funeral ]
me: *whispering* i never know what to do w my hands
her: *also whispering* well you can definitely stop clapping
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer:
if you have a roomba but don’t dress it up in little outfits then what are you even doing
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
[ordering from the dollar menu]
me: hi i’ll have 7 dollars please
Doc: ‘So you’re not sleeping?’
Me: ‘Not really.’
Doc: ‘You drinking water?’
Me: ‘Few glasses a day’
Doc: ‘Alcohol?’
Me: ‘Plenty’
Doc: ‘Exercise?’
Me: ‘Not much’
Doc: ‘Coffee?’
Me: ‘Yes, please.’
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
COP: Quick, stun him!
ME: *performs perfect somersault*
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
That earthquake could have been an email.