I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
It absolutely scares me to death that I’M the voice of reason in this house.
fed my baby with a knife* today if you’re wondering how hard core of a dad I am
*blunted, plastic butter knife
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
*Flicks cigarette after a long drag* Here’s the thing, kids. Wolves don’t have lips so they can’t blow at all. That wolf was framed.
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
Love is courageous, but so is arm wrestling a bear and you don’t see anyone suggesting that.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
You may think you’re having a bad day but did you mindlessly grab a tube of triple antibiotic ointment and brush your teeth with it?
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
Tough love is true love
Cashier: Panic buyers bought up all the fresh fruit and veg?
Me, looks at my usual shopping: Huh? Oh yes, panic buyers. *shakes fist*
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.