My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
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After years of waiting, I finally walked face first into a sliding glass door at a party. And you know what? It’s a crowd pleaser.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Kid: Can we pleeease stop for ice cream?
Mom: What did I just say?!?
Kid: Don’t you remember?
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
I opened Facebook by mistake, it appears I’ve missed 738 birthdays because I haven’t been on for over 2 years 😳
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
If you pedal backwards on a Peloton, fried chicken appears in the cup holder.
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Girls are suckers for a sad story so I always told them about my dad leaving us on my 8th birthday. I leave out the part where he returned with my cake.
It wasn’t chocolate so…still sad.
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
my dog when i have a friend over
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
Please sir. my nose. it is very runny.
Generic Tissue: don’t worry. i got half of this
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
If I refer to myself as, “sauced up,” it probably just means I have honey, BBQ and ranch to dip my nuggets in.
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
The “Is it a bird? Is it a plane” trope makes it canon that Superman flies in a T-pose