*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
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Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Real terror is the moment when you realize you’re about to sneeze with sore abs
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
Guys! I just heard when women ask “Does this make me look fat?” they know we’ll say no. What they are really testing is HOW FAST WE SAY IT!
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.– Skywalker family reunion
ME: *smashes bottle into a ship*
MAN: Oh cool, what are you naming it?
ME: I’m not *smashes another bottle* I just hate ships
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
The field sobriety test was going ok until I grabbed two traffic cones and did a Madonna impersonation.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!