ME: We’re adopting a baby!
FRIEND: Congrats! Will you need my old baby gate?
ME: [considers summoning a baby] Nah, we’ll get one from this dimension
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My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
“Here’s the problem… You’ve got a Pokémon up there”
– me, as a proctologist
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
*gasps*
Ohhh sour Jesus.
i wish people went thru puberty the way that digimon digivolve. i do not want armpit hair. i want rocket launchers for hands
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
her: I’m leaving you
me: because I like scooby doo?
her: you’re obsessed
me: *pulling her hair trying to take off her mask* you won’t get away with this
[Friday night]
Wife: *tells me weekend plans*[Saturday morning]
Me: What are we doing this weekend?
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
USPS clerk: does the package contain any perishables?
me: ha ha no, he’s definitely dead
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
date: i love that you know about plots of land
me: thanks that means a lot
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
ME: Guess who was just promoted to be the new CEO!
COWORKER: Amanda.
ME: Why would you assume it’s a man?
[car dealership]
“it’s just like walking, except now you have to move your mass AND this 2,000lb vehicle.”
fred flintstone: i’ll take it!
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
[feather on the ground]
4-year-old: It’s a pterodactyl feather!
Me: Pterodactyls don’t have feathers.
4: I know. They fell off.
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.