Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
American: What
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something

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Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.


*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*


Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?

Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?



Him: How much money do you have?


INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs


Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.


My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.


Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.


Me: Excuse me

Waiter: Yes?

M: The wine’s corked

W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed

M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager

*gets struck by lightning


*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you