Lying dead in a closed coffin at my funeral, and yet somehow I still manage to spill mustard on my shirt.
Me: hope ur soccer team wins the great fork
Me: the good plate
American: the super bowl
Me: i knew it was a kitchen something
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*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him: How much money do you have?
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
Thanks for sharing your moon with me on Instagram. We don’t have a moon where I live.
My house fluctuates between smelling like a freshly baked cake or a tropical island vacation because aromatherapy provides what I cannot.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…
Me: Excuse me
M: The wine’s corked
W: This is Holy Communion, the wine’s blessed
M: And the breadsticks are stale. I want to see the manager
*gets struck by lightning
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you