[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
You Might Also Like
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
Took my 4-year-old to an amusement park and she loved one of the rides. She will not stop asking when she gets to ride the escalator again. Money well spent…
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
My wife is a beautiful, kind & giving woman who also checks my TL.
I decided to beat Black Friday and start my Christmas shopping early.
*Runs Amazon van off the road
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
you need to be 737 maxxing. you need to have a few screws loose. you need to be dramatically throwing open doors to feel the fresh air outside. you need to be keeping yourself grounded. you need to be lighting yourself on fire occasionally just to feel something.
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
superman: nice car does it have gps
batman: no
superman: then how do you know where you’re going
batman: *starts screaming*
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
Saying “I’m practicing social distancing”
-everyone doing it
-not very exciting
-no varietyExclaiming “keep your hands off me good sir!”
-classy
-are you a character in a victorian novel?
-implies someone would want to touch you
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun