Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
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dammit i HATE this slowass coffee machine [gandhi walks into breakroom] and not finding strength in my suffering. also hate that. mornin sir
This a good idea
At Olive Garden my 9 year old told the server, “Compliments to the chef!” Then he leaned too far and fell backward out of his chair.
Sometimes I think I’m the only Brit trying to use up all this spice we stole
Men don’t even appreciate a good bra & panty set. “TAkE tHeSe OfF” did you even look at it 🥺😒
Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
common English mistakes:
-mixing up there, their and they’re
-using the wrong too, to or two
-using apostrophes for plurals
-enslaving innocent people
-putting commas in the wrong place
When did science get a monopoly on donated corpses? What if I want to donate my body to literature? Theater? Philosophy?
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
A kid at the grocery store told me that he likes my sunglasses because they have rainbows on them. For the record they don’t but I’ll have what he’s having
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
OBAMA: I want to close Gitmo
GOP: no
OBAMA: But you haven’t even—
GOP: no
OBAMA: …
GOP: no
OBAMA: I’m resigning
GOP: no
OBAMA: haha gotcha
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
You like bad boys? Not to brag but I’m bad at everything.
-me flirting
[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.