The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
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Avoid calls from pesky bill collectors by not paying your phone bill.
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
Me: Sorry, I can’t tonight. I already made plans.
Him: That’s too bad. There’s going to be open bar and–
Me: What time should I be there?
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
Chinese food – $25
Delivery fee – $3.99
Realizing they forgot a container – riceless
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
A guy with a sense of humor that matches mine will always get my attention.
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
ME: How do you spell ‘inferno’?
BOSS: What?
ME: I’m writing an email
BOSS: Oh my god, the building is on fire!!
ME: Yeah, that’s probably a better way of wording it
BUILDING INSPECTOR: This building is not structurally sound
ARCHITECT: why
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well first of all it’s made of paper
ARCHITECT: Yeah construction paper!
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Her: I love Fight Club
Me: (trying to impress her): *I knock myself out*
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
road rage
Just reported my neighbors to Belgian authorities because they have a dog named Waffle.
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.