No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
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You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
I like to go to death metal shows and throw throat lozenges on the stage, it shows I care.
interrogator: you leave us no choice. time for good cop, jazz cop
suspect: you mean bad cop?
interrogator: no
suspect: i confess.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
A coward dies a thousand deaths, a soldier dies but one. That’s why I look up to cowards, enduring so many deaths makes you strong.
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
EVERY MOVIE TRAILER NOW:
We hear a single piano key play.
A shot of a basketball court at dusk.
Sally Field [V.O.] “Your grandfather was…complicated. There’s a lot you don’t know, can’t understand.”
A children’s choir starts singing “In the Air Tonight” by Phil Collins.
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I’m too immature for adultery.
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.