God: check this out
Angel: [peering down at Earth] wow it’s chaos down there, what did you do
God: I made parking cost $10
You Might Also Like
Women seem to want security. At least that’s what they yell whenever I approach them.
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
Hit me in the face with a bird
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
I keep a survival log when I’m forced to fast before bloodwork…so yes I can be a little dramatic when hungry.
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
Person: how does writing work?
Writer: well you type & you delete. You rethink. Then you do 187 min of research & correct it. You reread & wonder if you have a grasp of English. Then you revise
Person: then you’re done with the book?
Writer: then you move to the next sentence
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Insanity [in•san•i•ty] (noun): Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results
See Also: Going back to your ex
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
This is bullshit. Panic bought this 100 lb bag of rice when quarantine started; only eaten a fistful because it’s all sharp and hard and crunchy, NOT like in the restaurants.
Cooking directions: Stir constantly until it comes to a boil.
Me: Orders takeout.
Whenever I see a newspaper on a driveway, left out in the rain, I figure that house just forgot how to read.
Boss: Why were you tardy this morning?
Me: I don’t think we’re supposed to call people that any more.
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
Unprecedented times would be if something nice happened every day for like 2 weeks
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
The best thing about going to see a film with your child is them insisting on going to the toilet 2 minutes before the end.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
[bank robbery]
OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
Damn it Dave, not you, go grab the money
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!