[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
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[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
“See you on the other side…”
~Me every time I’m at a gate with someone
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Walking into WalMart with my kids, “Remember, kids – use your Target voices.”
[climbing inside trojan horse]
general: NO, THE WOODEN ONE!
Mortal Kombat: FINISH HIM
Immortal Kombat: omg this is taking forever
My phone: Would you like to save this password?
Me: I NEED TO KNOW IF IT WORKED FIRST AND YOU’RE IN MY WAY!!!
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
Girl: Saying hot is disrespectful. You should say ‘beautiful’ instead.
Me: Ok.
Me: Can you please pass the beautiful sauce?
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Getting fired from the coroners office for yelling “IS IT CAKE?!” before every autopsy
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
I didn’t know comedy could be a career until I was 24 and I didn’t know comedy couldn’t be a career until I was 36.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
[gets cut off in traffic]
my friend, you’ve made a very powerless & easily distracted enemy
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
Tequila be like “I know a spot” then take you here
Hmm, not sure about this change