I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
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Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
If you’re looking for someone to drop and spill everything, all the time, I’m your guy.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I’m nobody’s type until they need blood or an organ
*shows up to the cool people party with the bag of coke I promised
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
Husband: “Lost my keys again.”
Wife: “It’s in your Jeans.”
Husband: “Come on, Why do you have to Drag my family into this!”
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
You can’t make me jealous. You’re not my friends who send their kids to their grandparents for the summer.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
Be yourself; everyone else is already Batman.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.