I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake
Me: aww you must really love cake
Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Smooooooth
me: I think you’ll find my resumé impressive
interviewer: this is a note threatening to…eat the moon?
me: [grabbing it] ah that’s not-*cough*-that’s for something else
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.
You ever run back into a store looking for the sunglasses on top of your head?
Me neither.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
Interviewer: Why did you bring a lawyer to a job interview?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
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I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Not to victim blame but if cat no want be held like baby then why baby sized
when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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I like to play 20 Questions with my kids but I always ask the questions and every question is “Will you please stop that?”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.
It’s probably too late to lose 50lbs by 2023
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
me: that teaching babies to eat airplanes will destroy us all. one day we’ll create a baby large enough to eat real airplanes and be unable to either destroy it, or explain the horror that sating it’s desire for num-nums would unleash
date: …neat. my greatest fear is spiders