I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
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HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Taking my sunglasses out of 2’s hands while he naps in the car is the closest I will come to diffusing a bomb.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
Arthur Conan Doyle: I have invented the greatest detective of all time
Agatha Christie: hold my tea
Doyle: … why does this tea taste funny
WIFE: can’t wait until we’re old and sitting on the porch so I can tell you all my stories again because you won’t remember any of them
ME: wait… your retirement fantasy is I have dementia?
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Her: I have a marathon coming.
Me: Ooh, which show?
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
All these poor newlyweds in quarantine just aging their marriages in dog years.
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
If you think my tweets are strange you should hear the squirrel’s side of the conversation.
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
religion? um, ha, no. i’m not really into the idea of letting a set of ancient rules dictate my life. plus, pisces aren’t usually religious
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
therapist: what’s on your mind
me: why would a bull be in a china shop to begin with
Every single headline could read: “Idiots Continue To Do Stuff”
never ask a starfish for directions
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”