when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
You can tell you’re dealing with a professional by the way they carry on an entire conversation without ever taking the cigarette out of their mouth.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Haha good job!!
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
My cat: *jumps up onto my lap, leans into me, purrs*
Me: *smiling at him* Aww! You’re adorable! So sweet!
My cat: *slaps phone out of my hand*
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
I start training at mime school on Monday.
So if you don’t hear from me…
My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
I was bullied by a cheerleader in high school and she used to tan every day so I stayed out the sun for 34 years and now I look 10 years younger than she does. WHO’S CHEERING NOW BRITTNI?
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Establish dominance over your children by whining louder
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Kids want pizza. Husband wants pizza.
I want Cracker Barrel. I’m driving so shut up and eat your meatloaf.
me linking you to my twitter
Me looking a movie I hated up on Rotten Tomatoes to make sure other people hated it too
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Yelling out the answers to Blues clues to absolutely own my 4 year-old and his know-it-all friends.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move