“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
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My time has come.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
My kids heard, “Sorry. Life is over as you know it. May as well curl up and die.” What she said was, “Sorry, our shake machine is down.”
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
It’d be funny if Hannibal Lecter was a terrible cook. Just microwaving kidney quesadillas or whatever. Mac & cheese with chopped up fingers.
If you end calls with telemarketers by saying “OK love you bye,” they put you on their Do Not Call list.
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*