when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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Boy George: Do You Really Want To Hurt Me?
2020: Haha you have no idea.
somebody seems to be trying real hard to get Gurt’s attention
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I do laundry “my way”.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
Me, the boss: The most important part of your job is to not distract me by naming different kinds of delicious sausage.
New Guy: No problem. And do we-?
Me: Thats it! You’re fired!
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
It’s hard for me to commit when everyone I love is 70% water
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
Proofread twice, hang posters once
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe