when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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Lola the dog and I have been exploring the new neighborhood, but only one of us took a big steaming dump on the neighbor’s yard.
She was mortified at my behavior but when you gotta go, you gotta go.
[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
If you ban gay marriage you’re only encouraging gangs to profit off it by making their own gay marriages in bathtubs like prohibition.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Chattanooga is my favorite town that sounds like an old-timey car horn
Can we just cut the crap and make all serving sizes based on an actual person? No one is sitting down in front of the TV like “Can’t wait to eat these 9 chips!”
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Kevin didn鈥檛 know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda鈥檚 dumb jokes, but he did know he didn鈥檛 want to be glue.
I told all my neighbors that I have a twin . . . so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If you’re afraid of getting fat, drink a little before eating. The alcohol should reduce the fear.
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 馃ぇ馃檮
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
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What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
First man discovered fire. Then he invented the wheel. Then there was, like, 500 years where he just kept setting the wheel on fire.
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she鈥檚 sticking with the shark.
13: They just don鈥檛 take Halloween as seriously as me.