when your spouse’s phone rings & they go to the other room to answer it
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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
Challenge accepted.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
Movie Law:
All computer hackers have to say “We’re in” when they get into “the system”
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Priest: for what have you come to ask forgiveness, my dear?
Me: my student loans
Priest: [to god] can…can she do that?
I’ve never seen a single Star Wars movie and I plan on keeping it that way simply because, the reaction I get when telling someone I’ve never seen them, is far more enjoyable than any movie I’ve ever seen.
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.