If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
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[first date]
Him: I want to marry someone who knows what commitment is.
Me: (trying to impress) I haven’t put my phone down in 5 years.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
I didn’t know any of my neighbor’s names before getting a dog but now I know their names are Kylo’s mom, Phoebe’s dad, Max’s mom and Bo’s parents
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
I’m trying to become a vegetarian so from now I’m only eating seafood.
Like lobster, prawns and drowned cows.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
How can I say no to this ?
Daily ‘Facts About CHEESE’
Fact About Cheese #3:
“String Cheese. Is not made of string.”
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Not fat, but not super thin either. I’m more like…what’s the word? Oh, I know. Terrifying.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
My 7-year-old told me that he loves me and hopes I never die, and the only thing that could have made this moment more special is if I wasn’t sitting on the toilet.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
There are two kinds of people.
Try not to be either one of them.
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.