*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
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{response at rap battle}
Nice try but my Mom isn’t even flexible so it’s impossible that really took place.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
My body feels like it’s aging in dog years
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
Probably my best painting.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
A dating site for olds like me called Carbon Dating.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
There’s a serious limit in how much one can take
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
“Why you watching this shit?”
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
Saying “oh my gosh you’re getting so big!” is cute and acceptable to say to a 6 year old. Not so much to an ex-girlfriend.
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history