[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I hate people who get paid to write toddler’s books.
They put together like 20 words and then find something else to draw the pictures.
my one true gender
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
My wife: *catches me in bed with a Transformer*
Me: Wait! It’s not what it looks like!
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
Doctor, seeing scratch on my arm: oh geez, do you have a cat?
Me: …a daughter.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
when someone asks me my body count do they mean like ted bundy or stormy daniels.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
him: oh sorry I thought you worked here
me, in line at a haunted house: WOW
My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
I’m not surprised I woke up with a mannequin after too much to drink. I am surprised though that I used a condom
I wish I were this cool 😂
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”