My girlfriend didn’t hear what I said while I was sitting beside her on the couch so to make sure she heard me I went in the other room and muttered under my breath
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me: waiter this soup is cold
waiter: it’s Gazpacho
me: Gazpacho this soup is cold
12: My favorite band is Green Day
Grandpa: Who the hell is green dog?
Me: Clifford’s cousin
Well, shit
Me: sometimes I worry that people think I’m texting during a meeting when I take notes on my phone
My dad: I think people know I’m taking notes because I have a notepad and a pen
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
How many lost cats walk by the telephone pole with their missing flier on it? Just another reason to teach your cat to read.
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
Harry Styles sounds like a made-up name that Big Foot would use to sneak into a fashion show.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
ME: It’s been suggested that you are the average of the 5 people that you spend the most time around. Over time, you actually become similar to them.
ZOOKEEPER: Get out of the penguin exhibit or I am calling the cops.
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
I apologise for the way I acted when you said the McRib was back and then told me you were kidding.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?
Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!
Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Terribly Tuesday.
I don’t even want to know why.
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
My oldest kid, watching Shrek again, but now being old enough to understand more of the jokes…
I had to Stop for this
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told