Cosmetic surgery is a great way to spend your life savings and end up looking like a surprised owl.
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[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
After having received my free sample of winter, I would like to cancel my subscription please
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
Good: Waking up every day
Bad: in 2020
“Bro check out that DILP.”
“Where? Wait what’s a DILP?”
“Dog I’d Like to Pet.”
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
Natty or not?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
Yesterday the vet asked if our cat was sleeping too much and I wondered if they knew she was, in fact, a cat.
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Save money on laser removal of ‘love hate’ knuckle tattoos, by changing the last letter to an ‘s’ and developing an interest in millinery.
My brain considers names irrelevant information.
Every time I meet someone new and they introduce themselves, my brain just goes “nope, that name goes in the bin”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
You don’t know fear until you cough out a tampon nowhere near a bathroom.
Alexa, set the neighbor’s fire alarms for 3am.
Does anybody want a cat? Free to a good or average home
Jellyfish husband: I have to work again this weekend.
Jellyfish wife: Just tell your boss he can’t force you to do this every weekend.
Jellyfish husband: You know I can’t do that.
Jellyfish wife: Oh FFS grow a spi…
Jellyfish husband: GROW A WHAT LINDA
My dad is at it again