Natty or not?
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Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
sometimes i remember i was part of the nsa hack back in spring / that all my data is currently floating around china and i’m like “cool”
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
what could possibly go wrong?
Fired my daughter’s math tutor when he said she wasn’t giving 110%.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
Tonight we’re gonna party like its 1999.
No seriously, Greg’s been in a coma for 14 years. We’ll tell him that shit tomorrow night though.
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
I hate restaurants where they won’t let you bring your own mariachi band.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
*buys Sushi for Dummies*
*preheats oven*
*reads first page of Sushi for Dummies*
*turns off oven*
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
What kind of key opens the door to a haunted house
A spoo-key.
I’m gonna work tirelessly until I find whoever stole the wheels off my car
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head