Seems like the “how to use a fire extinguisher” video on YouTube shouldn’t have a 30 second ad before it.
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[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[Record Shop]
Me: Hi, have you got anything by the Doors?
Shopkeeper: No, we have to keep all exits clear in case of emergencies.
I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
That awkward moment in the confessional when the priest says “Thanks for that mate. I’m actually the cleaner. Wait til the lads hear this!”.
This rocks
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Having kids is like living with an on-line troll you can’t unfollow.
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
FYI those little crosses along the interstate aren’t for squirrel crucifixions. I was wrong. The article I wrote about this was wrong.
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
this lady on tiktok shared that her daughter was getting bullied at school so she set up a meeting with the bully’s parents and the bully. the bully’s mum was rude so she beat up the mum and told the kid “i’ll beat up your mum every day until you stop touching my child.” 😭😭😭
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Age 17: I can’t wait to travel the world!
Age 37: Feeling kind of adventurous. Might go to the “good” grocery store 15 miles away.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.