I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
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Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
“What would your friends say your biggest weakness is?”
“I have none.”
“I don’t believe that.”
“It’s true, I have no friends.”
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayVibe
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf
7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes
COP: drop the gun
CRIMINAL: no
COP: [flipping through police handbook, whispers to partner] it doesnt say what to do if he says no
“Describe yourself in three words”
“Lazy”
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Whenever I see a bruise on a banana my first thought is pity, but then I think it probably deserved it because I slipped on a peel once.
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Buy followers?
No thanks. I’m married so I spend enough money on people I don’t talk to
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
[ Playing with Ouija board ]
Ouija board: I have a boyfriend.
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
Whoa… oh I see lol
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.