Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
You Might Also Like
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
date: “your chances of dying are lower on a roller coaster than a horse”
me: “no way”
date: “true story”
me: “i’ve never even seen a horse on a roller coaster”
[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
sometimes when I finish eating a bag of microwave popcorn I try to eat a couple unpopped kernels just to convince myself it’s really over
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
Sometimes you think you only have one cat but after you stay home a week you find you have two that look alike.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
They say to avoid things that excite you when it’s time to sleep, but what’s more exciting than getting to sleep?
Ugh, I may have lost my “World’s Best Dad” keychain. My 2 year old was playing with it an hour ago but I don’t know where she went.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
Don’t make me take off my belt because then my pants would fall down and my body looks like an egg on toothpicks.
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in
ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
Ugh don’t you hate it when you accidentally leave the volume up on your phone & the next stall hears the *click* when you snapchat your turd
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30