4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
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The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
Maybe mama duck isn’t leading her babies, maybe she’s trying to outrun them.
If your girlfriend says she’s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall…
You might be dating my wife.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?
Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir
Ponytail so tight, I no longer have forehead wrinkles.
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
This guy at the gym just did 3 sets of selfies.
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
[killer enters home in middle of night]
ME: Who goes there?
KILLER: Haha
ME: What
KILLER: Who still says “Who goes there”
ME: Ok laugh it up
*Directing cats*
Me: Ok, take nine, you’ve gotta nail this one ok?
Stunt cat: you’re telling me!
Cat toys that look like actual mice are going to be the reason for my heart attack
Merica.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Why do we say “used to” for “accustomed to”?
“I’m used to it.” Yoost to. Yoozed to.
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair