4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
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Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
You haven’t truly made it on Twitter until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
Reasons to not go camping No.154:
People in sleeping bags are the soft tacos of the bear world…
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
SON: Daddy, what’s the point of this?
ME: I’m not sure there is one, son, our existence and actions are ultimately futile and meaningless
SON: No, I meant this
ME: Oh that’s a can opener
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
Doctor: This makes no sense. The ultrasound isn’t finding your baby
Wife: Haha, well I guess we know who he takes after
Waldo: *from behind a curtain* That’s my boy
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Welcome to parenthood. Your refrigerator is now a graveyard of your kids’ half-finished drinks.
Mission President: Why hasn’t this Brother been baptized yet?
Me: Well, we have a problem.
Mission President: There are no problems Elder, only opportunities.
Me: OK, well he has a huge drug opportunity.
Everything is about balance. A sombrero with strawberries on the one side and melons on the other, can and will cause you certain problems, I know this now
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
Duolingo getting serious.
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Women out here dating guys with three felonies
but being a sagittarius is too much of a red flag.
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.