Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
You Might Also Like
GOOGLE: *please create password*
ME: *Giraffe_Neck*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *The_Revenant*
GOOGLE: *password is too long*
ME: *CVS_receipt*
GOOGLE: *dude*
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Coworker: Do you have any snacks?
Me: WHY DOES EVERYONE THINK I HAVE SNACKS? DO I LOOK LIKE I HAVE SNACKS?
Coworker:
Me: Top desk drawer.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach
– my dog begging
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
Me: The dog gives me more kisses because he loves me the most.
Him: No, it’s because you never wipe the ice cream off your chin.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
it’s so annoying, guys want you to have crazy sex, but they don’t want you to be crazy
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys