Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work

I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought “Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness” was inappropriate.

in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.

my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away

Him [sexy voice]: let’s do it on the couch

Me: ew babe no that’s where we eat

I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.

Man Who Didn’t Order Anything Online Still Checks Name On Package Just In Case Amazon Sent Him A Little Present

There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.

Here’s the upside to having kids who are older:

I just sent out a group text letting them all know they’re on their own for dinner.

*putting a top hat on my dog*

Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.

When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”

I havent had sex in so long what if I forgot how to moan and instead I go : moooooo

Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?

I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.

Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”

Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”

It’s called TALL, you little shit.

I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.

new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed

CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.

50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.

Wife: I need to lose weight

Me: Maybe you should work out

Wife: Maybe we should workout together

Me: Maybe I should mind my own business

I’ve never been kidnapped and tortured but I have been forced to go to the store before Christmas and gotten stuck behind someone buying 25 gift cards.

Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

Me: Was this product tested on animals?

Clerk: Yes.

Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!

Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too