I’m sorry I laughed when you said my cannibal joke was in poor taste.
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Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
I think this cat is broken
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
Me: You look amazing with glasses.
Her: OMG thanks
Me: *removes my glasses* But not so much without.
[bank robbery]
Robber 1: put money in the bag
Robber 2: how come u get to be robber 1?
Robber 4: how do u think I feel. There’s only 3 of us
ME: I hit my neighbors car.
CAT: I killed my last 4 owners.
ME: YOU CAN TALK!
CAT: …
ME: Wait, what did you just say?
CAT: *blinks*
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Guys are always ‘just kidding’ unless you say yes
Quoting famous dead people on the internet is stupid.
~Confucius
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
What sort of drug abuse and debauchery has to occur in someone’s life for them to start liking Charmin Toilet Paper on Facebook?
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady