Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
You Might Also Like
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
very niche meme I made
Last New Year my resolution was 1920×1080 , this year it’s to be less of a nerd.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
Woo! Let’s get this weekend started!
*Starts doing laundry*
WIFE: Where are the groceries?
ME: Bacon was on sale.
WIFE: Oh god, what does that mean?
*sound of dump truck backing into driveway*
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
daughter: do I have to brush?
me: of course! you don’t want your teeth to fall out, do you?
daughter: yes, it’s how I make money.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
[first day as flight attendant]
me: DOES ANYBODY KNOW HOW TO FLY A PLANE
passengers: *screaming*
pilot: yes I do
me: ohthankgod
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Confession: Half the time I told my sister’s friends she wasn’t home it was so I didn’t have to take the phone to her.
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?