People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
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I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
I say I’m medibaked when I get high cause words are fun, but werges like fantabulous are even more bestacular.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Nothing is impossible, unless of course you are waiting for the coffee to kick in.
BOSS: in my office, we need to have a chat
ME: ok *sits down and crosses legs*
BOSS: why did you just cross my legs?
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
I married a boy when I was in the first grade. The ceremony was in the jungle gym and we exchanged ring pops. After recess was over, we went back to class and carried on with our lives. So, Patrick, if you’re out there, I’m sorry I’ve been a shitty wife for the last 32 years.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Find you a woman that spends her night using lunchable meat to try stealing stray cats from the local gas station
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Verbally offered £24k for a new admin job. Someone in HR transposed the digits so all my employment paperwork and contract state I’m paid £42k. It’s been 9 months receiving this higher amount per month and I’m not saying a WORD