Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
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SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
I’m sporting Cameron Diaz’ *Something About Mary” hairdo, but tragically, the magic ingredient is Cadbury Crème egg filling.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Me: “Don’t piss me off, I can rip a phone book in half.”
10yo: “A phone what?”
*sitting bolt upright out of a dead sleep*
PANTS MADE OUT OF EGGPLANTS CALLED AUBERJEANS
The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Everyone romanticizes the past until they get horribly sick and wake up covered in leeches.
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
Neighbor: Your dog barks a lot.
Me: Isn’t your kid the one that plays her recorder outside every summer?
N: So?
M: So, I can’t help you.
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
Husband: why are you taking so long to get ready???!!
Later:
-eats the snacks I packed
-drinks my water bottle
-uses my cell phone charger
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
i spent way too long on this