Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
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Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
Baby is born.
Me: Wow. Everyone thinks he looks exactly like my husband. I don’t think he got anything from me.
3 years later: child sighs heavily, slams doors, and rolls eyes so far back he can see his spine.
Me: Theeeere it is.
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
The first matador
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
John Hammond: We’ve got miles of electrified fence to keep the dinosaurs in and the guests safe
Me: Awesome so there’s no chance one disgruntled employee could disable them all with minimal effort right?
John Hammond: Haha what
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
Accidentally searched “how fast does a stool softener work” in the Zoom chat.
*stands up fast
weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
do what now??
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.
& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.
I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.
humans: wat did we ever do to deserve dogs
dogs: wat horible sins were done to our ancestors for us to be subservient to the humabns