Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
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Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
He-man has a Masters degree
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
Husband called to me tonight, “What’re you doing in the bathroom? Kids need to get in bed.”
I will make his obituary as eloquent as I can.
Deer population is controlled by releasing wolves into an area. All problems should be solved that way. Too much pollution? Release wolves in factories. Dislike Congress? Wolves. Wanna lose weight? That’s right, wolves.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
[Courtroom]
Judge: One more word & I’ll hold you in contempt!
Me: Yes! *jumps on his lap & throws arms around him* This is nice.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Anyone else ever hit the pizza button on the microwave and hope that pizza would be there?
[right before the quest for the holy grail]
king arthur: alright, WHO BROKE MY FAVORITE CUP?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
[tearing off our clothes]
Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.
*kicks flip-flop through her TV*
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
Ah yes. The three genders
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle