@eddiesnextwife

Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

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@TheAlexNevil

If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.

@fillthevacuum

Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.

@SardonicTart

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

@OneFunnyMummy

Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.

@donni

Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.

@theshantilly

I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.

@UnFitz

[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*

@ArfMeasures

WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does

@Lil_Baked_Baker

I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.