Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.

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If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.


Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.


Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him


Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.


Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.


I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.


[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*


WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work

ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does


I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.