Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
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Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a perfect face
Picasso: *running in* sorry, I’m late. what did I miss?
*struts into the new year
~ trips
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Guy got to the gym a few minutes before I did and asked “Are you ok with listening to metal?” so I was just like “Yeah sure that’s fine” and he put on Fall Out Boy lol
If I was a kitty, I would smack you off the table.
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Condoleeza Rice’s less successful sister is Apartmentleeza Rice.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
I asked this homeless lady if I could take her home. She said yes, so I walked off with her cardboard box.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
You smell of bins.
ONLY text me in an emergency. Like my car’s shooting flames from the trunk, one of my exes dies eventfully, or if someone thinks I’m sexy.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
How do people who don’t have a cat know when a ghost has entered the room?
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.