Me: don’t talk to me till I’ve had my coffee
Waitress: …all I said was “what would you like to order”
Me: you’re doing it again
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me:
Waitress:
Me: oh I see the problem
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I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
Imagine being all knowing and still putting a snake in charge of apples
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
A lady on NextDoor just asked for a pet psychic that could really blow her mind and honestly, stay gold NextDoor.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
It’s too bad The Carpenters never got to do a project with MC Hammer and Nine Inch Nails.
Just found out this city has an indoor trampoline place and I just figured out where my next medical bill is coming from
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
I assume people who don’t hate people also don’t drive.
If you think going for a drive isn’t cardio, you haven’t been in my passenger seat.