Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
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I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Shirts that say SWAG and YOLO for sale at Walmart. Because dressing like an idiot should be affordable.
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
Biggie Smalls: So what’s this thing?
Me: A shrink ray.
Smallie Smalls: Did it work?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Unless the girl is hot, when she asks how I want my hair cut, I’ll say “In silence”
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
I could never be an Olympic sprinter because I couldn’t go 10 seconds without checking my phone.
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
#parenting
[Car dealership]
Me: *taps glove box* How ’bout this one?
Salesman: Sir, we’ve been over this, I don’t know how many McNuggets it will hold.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come these firefighters are rescuing me from the top of this tree?
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
Best misinterpreted text ever!