My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
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*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
WIFE: stop quoting Britney Spears songs or I’ll leave you
ME: but I’m a slave 4 u
WIFE: that’s it
ME: (whispers) oops I did it again
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I didn’t want to make a scene but not fluffing my wife’s pillows should get the point across that I don’t appreciate the way she spoke to me
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
The only equipped I am is ill.
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Maybe she’s losing it.
Maybe it’s quarantine.
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*
wow it’s a good thing this mug says “COFFEE” on it, I was about to wear it like a hat
I’m in court with another one of those attorneys who licks their fingers before turning every single page in their file.
I do not regret the contempt fine I’m about to receive, but this must stop.
My husband said I use a lot of makeup, so I showed him some makeup tutorials on tiktok and I don’t think he’ll be making that mistake again.
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
overheard in the elevator
dude 1: “I have a song stuck in my head, it’s killing me”
dude 2: “aw man yeah, I’ve got like 4”
dude 1: “at least you’ve got a playlist”
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.