“fine! leave me because I talk like I’m in a novel but you aren’t taking the kids, he exclaimed”
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I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter
I made a bacon sandwich this morning then managed to drop it on my white t-shirt. Luckily nobody was using the washing machine. That’s where I keep my emergency bacon.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Gave my dog a piece of sausage. He no longer cares about the economy.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Them: We deliver in 30 mins or less. Guaranteed.
Me: Uh, I mean– That’s okay. I’d really rather you take your ti–
Doctor [sprinting away with my pregnant wife in his arms]: STARTING NOW!
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
The “dining room”? Calm down, McDonald’s.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
Harry Potter is a guy who peaks at being a high school quarterback and then drops out to become a cop
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
If you’re 25 please stop saying you’re tired. I have bananas older than you.
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My family keeps bringing up my felony like I’m afraid to commit another one.
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
Two days after I bring my newborn daughter home from the hospital:
22 month old son: When’s she going back?
Me: Back where?
Son: To her house at the hospital.
Me: She lives with us now.
Son: Mommy, you’re not making
good choices.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
Fidel Castro was alive?