There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
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My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
[Date rolls over in bed & gasps in horror]
Me: [In nothing, with pantyhose over my head] Did you know the average person swallows 8 spiders a year in their sleep?
my bf told me i have too many hats so i laid them all out and gently explained each one is a slightly different color and therefore warranted
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
maybe my dad is at the other end of this cvs receipt
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
I like to reinvent myself every year, last year I was a small Italian woman and the year before that a bear.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
I am not the kind of girl you can take home to your wife.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Gets 5 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired
Gets 8 hours of sleep: Wow I’m tired and I’m late for work
The way my dog maintains eye contact while taking a dump is unsettling. Can’t he read a magazine like a normal dog?
I saw a horse last week and didn’t immediately say ‘horse” but it finally came out today in the middle of an important meeting and everyone thought I was brain storming
*stares at phone for 3 hours*
*puts phone down, reads book for 5 minutes*
*glances up from book*
Wow, look at all these braindead fools glued to their phones
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
Who called it a baby playpen and not a crawl space?
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
Full confession: I’ve begun taking an hour a week to destress by soaking in tub with bath salts while listening to classical music.
And it would work if that little voice in my head wouldn’t say each time, “This is the exact setup in a movie where someone is violently murdered.”
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”