My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
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My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
I saw a UFO flying over my house this morning but my camera has too many pixels and clarity so I didn’t capture it.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
mariah carrie
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
I found the cure to obesity, but then I ate it.
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Reduce stage fright with a little vodka before the show.
Bring enough vodka for everyone, and you won’t even have to perform.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
There’s one barista who treats me like I’m very important for whatever reason & he doesn’t let anyone else make my drink so at first I was like “Well shucks, I feel special” but now I’m like, “Is he slowly poisoning me?”
[calendar naming committee]
BOSS: how should we spell the second month
GUY WHO SPELLED WEDNESDAY: i have an idea
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.
Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
[First day at Amazon]
me: *throws a single toothbrush into a tv-sized box*
manager: wow this guy’s a natural lol
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏