@robdelaney

The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

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@UnFitz

Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”

@JDBooie

“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”

@LFdiepretty

If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.

@Brampersandon_

[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”

@SuperRandomish

Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.

@kimt205

An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.

@HughGoesThere

[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.

@Pundamentalism

Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.

@jimmytorosian

[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy

@BurhanHafeez1

Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.