The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
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Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Cop cars aren’t very intimidating. Add a crazy plow covered in blood, an anarchy symbol and spinning saw blades and I’ll stop in a heartbeat
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
If you love somebody, let them go. If they’re smart, they’ll keep going.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
me: what kind of dog is that?
him: husky
me: sorry, *deep raspy voice* what kind of dog is that?
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Last night I went to a fancy dress party dressed as a screwdriver. I turned a few heads.
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Your body is like Wonderbread…
Your body is a Rubberband…
Your body is like Disneyland…John Mayer first drafts.
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
[Attractive stylist washing out my hair after cutting it]
Stylist: How’s the water temperature?
[Water so hot it’s scalding my scalp]
Me: It’s fine
Just this preview of the story is enough
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
My dance moves are so white Charlie Sheen tried to snort them.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show