@robdelaney
@UnFitz Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You Might Also Like
@UnFitz 
@JDBooie “I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”
@LFdiepretty If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
@Brampersandon_ [texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
@SuperRandomish Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
@kimt205 An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
@HughGoesThere [first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
@Pundamentalism Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
@jimmytorosian [two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
@BurhanHafeez1 Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.