The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.

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Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”


“I love you and I will always keep you safe.”
DAUGHTER: What about bees?
“I love you and I will sometimes keep you safe.”


If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!

– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.


[texting gf]

February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”

February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”


Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.


An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.


[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.


Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.


[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]

…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy


Change is always hard….

Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.