Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
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6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
I’m guessing that while more honest and accurate ‘Dancing With People Who Are Arguably More Famous Than You But By No Means Could Be Considered Stars’ just wasn’t as catchy as DWTS and really sucks as an acronym.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
People who live in Lego houses should not walk around without shoes.
*Stays in interrogation room after being told I’m free to leave anytime*
-Y’all have excellent wifi here. Can I possibly get more coffee?
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
my dad once complained about “coming home from a long day at work and having to eat on a paper plate” so my mom served him dinner in a solo cup the next day and we all ate like we didn’t notice
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
I haven’t had bread in 3 weeks. I look great but now all I think about is bread. I’m basically a duck at this point.
Flirting tip.
Ask a woman if she’s pregnant. When she says she’s not, ask her if she wants to be.
Trust me, I’m a guy from Twitter.
A great tip. #CakeRex
Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
“Always bring a nail file, scissors, tweezers, a corkscrew, a toothpick and a bottle opener to a knife fight”
– The Swiss Army
Just a reminder, folks:
Me: [touches wife’s arm] ⚡️ZAP⚡️
Wife: hey you shocked me!
Me: oh no! I am so sorry.
Wife: it’s ok. it’s not like you did it on purpose.
Me: [under breath] pika pika.
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.