My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
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People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
When I’m in a plane that’s full of white people, my new favourite thing to do is to spot another Sikh and shout out loudly to him “Don’t forget our mission”.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
My toddler appears to know a magic spell to transform any space into a Hoarders episode.
Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…
Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?
Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.
not saying kids are creepy but my baby just offered me a bite of the teething cracker she was eating, i pretended to take a bite, she laughed, and then she turned to the other side and did the exact same thing to thin air
Corgi: why are my legs so short?
God: that’s just what legs look like.
Corgi: oh cool.
[giraffe walks by]
Corgi:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
If we’d just get used to eating bugs now, then they’ll be plenty of food when all those locusts come from that bottomless pit promised to us in Revelations 9:1:3.
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
does any one know where i could find some Unsolicited advice? preferably from people with weird personality disorders who dont know anything
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
When the girl working the counter says “would you like fries with that?” say..”are you calling me fat??” then burst into tears. Free meal.