My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
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I wanna be friends with this person
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans.
I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
I love it when people use completely innocuous, random objects as an insult but I am no good at it, “you complete and utter mango!” “What a total pillowcase!” See!?
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
Doe, a deer, a female deer,
Ray, a guy who owes me money.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
It is officially too cold for Canadians to pretend liking cold weather is part of our cultural identity
Birdwatcher? I’m more of a bird ogler. A pair of nesting cardinals filed a restraining order against me in ‘07.
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this