Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
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doctor: I may have to amputate your feet if we can’t stop the infection
me: are there any steps I can take
doctor: not after I’m done
Breaking news:
I like men in uniform, but sometimes it’s hard to flirt when they’re handcuffing me for menacing or rescuing me from another kitchen fire.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
What do you call someone waiting in line at the liquor store on the day before Thanksgiving?
Amateur
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Before a PhD: I don’t know.
After a PhD: That is outside the scope of my current knowledge.
Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
DM from random dude: “Show me your bobs.”
Me: sends pics of my last 7 haircuts.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
When my wife and I married we both agreed we would never go to sleep angry.
Neither of us has slept in 16 years.
I have snuck past my husband’s work video meetings enough times to know I would make a terrible ninja.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*
Using my teeth to open the pack of hot dogs I brought for my inflight snack
3.
The number of times you can flip a grilled cheese sandwich before you notice that you have the pan on the wrong burner…cuz of Twitter.
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius