I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Not all heroes wear capes.
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
Christmas was ruined for me when my dad dressed up like Santa, got stuck in the chimney and his body blocked the real Santa from getting in
Got fired from my job at Footlocker for trying to feed myself to the crocs.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
What they say:
Want a bite of my sandwich?What I hear:
How much of this sandwich can you fit in your mouth?
All sex is “make up sex” if you don’t know what you’re doing.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
Plan “T” is going to work out, I have a good feeling about this one.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
Ever notice how a piece of lint on a sheet can look like a scary insect?
Unrelated, is anyone selling a mattress? Mine is on fire.
Maybe I’m like Spider-Man except I got bit by a radioactive sloth.
*limbos away from your hug*
If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
My family is getting a crash course in watching me perform musicals all day, which is not something they knew I did, and my 10 year old feels vindicated because she always SENSED that I was deeply embarrassing, but didn’t know why until now.
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
When I’m feeling inadequate, I remember that there are women who marry their prison pen pals, and then my own decisions don’t seem so bad.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.