We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
You Might Also Like
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
Now that I have a standing desk I’m adding manual labor to my resume.
The book I checked out of the library is so stained and gross, it looks like someone used it recently to deliver a foal.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a fly* bee
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Me: i think i’m being hunted by a great white shark
Wife: nonsense, we’re on land
*Weirdly-shaped grandfather clock i don’t remember owning exhales sigh of relief*
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
the animal sanctuary account i follow just made a post about how one of their elephants had a “i didn’t know i was pregnant” type delivery that was so shocking that when the baby just dropped out onto the ground the other elephants ran away screaming
M: If someone calls you the wrong name is it rude to correct them?
Interviewer: I meant questions about the job, Kim.
M: Well, I’m Ursula.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
ANGEL: Customer service, how can I help you?
SNAKE: *glaring at millipede* Can I speak to your supervisor?
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
Batman could have used his wealth to help Gotham’s poor and disenfranchised. But no, we really needed another violent leather fetishist.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
My mental health after scrolling Twitter for approximately 8 seconds