My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
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The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.
ME: I don’t want to die, but I’m not 100% certain that I wanna be alive, either. I just wish there was a third option.
BEARS: What if I told you that you could nap straight through part of the year?
Can’t. About to go please some beans
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
Just finished the first chapter of this novel. Tons of characters with the same name and really hard to follow.
Sir, that’s a phone book.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
How to properly lift a body
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Pretty certain I can more drunk