That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
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I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
him: what are you thinking about rn
me: how best to defend myself from an ostrich attack
The duality of toddlers:
Banana = Best food in the worldBanana with the peel pulled down just a little too far = Worst thing that’s ever happened. Like honestly, how dare you?
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
Finishing up my time machine. Bolting down the flux capacitor now. I’ll start small and go back a couple of seconds just to see if it works.
This day in history. 1940. Carbon-14 was discovered, allowing us to estimate the age of organic materials such as wood, leather, and Cher.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It’s like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
INTERVIEWER: And why under skills did you put “has dominion over bees”?
ME: [covered in bee stings] You can cross that one off
Imagine if we discovered another ocean. I hope we name it Billy
In pretty sure my wife’s most prized possession is her plastic bag full of other plastic bags.
Stop trying to eat garlic bread with your elbow!
…and other things I never said before having kids
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
I’m gonna start selling supplements that make you less healthy. Call them Smiteamins.
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
Let’s not forget the true meaning of Thanksgiving, the day Jesus chased all the turkeys out of the Temple.
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?