One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
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No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
SCIENTISTS: there are only 90 seconds remaining on the doomsday clock
ME: [73 seconds still remaining on my microwave hotdog] c’mon… c’monnn
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
Me: *on the phone with my parents* So mom, what did the doctor say?
2: *from across the room* no more monkeys jumping on the bed!
Hulu’s like I see you paused your show with 4 minutes left, would be a shame if someone were to…restart it from the beginning
“You have a BA? Ooooh! Look at you! Well, I have a BA, an MA, & a PhD.”
– 3rd degree burn
It’s called a charm offensive. I’m like the softest baby bunny who doesn’t respect you.
I’m the type of guy you could spend the rest of your life with, if you never take your meds again.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
Godzilla was the first house flipper.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
My 7yo had £3 pocket money and decided that, more than anything in the world, she wanted to buy this secondhand doll. This sick, green doll. This nightmare doll, which is now affectionately named “Baby Ben.” If I am dead by morning, you know why.
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I just want to be high enough on the corporate ladder so I can walk around the office and yell at ppl while I’m eating a salad
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules