*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
You Might Also Like
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
My teenage son just took out the trash without being asked.
Should I be alarmed?
This. Is. Not. A. Drill.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
One day, some dude was all “You know where we should save our money? Inside a statue of a pig,” and everybody went “That is a GREAT idea.”
20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head
30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle
40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib
After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
This one time, a work colleague declared The Avengers to be a better film than The Dark Knight.
That was a busy day in HR, I can tell you.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
when wolves raise a human child no one cares, but when i raise a wolf as my child and send it to elementary school everyone freaks out
There are few situations in life which have to be resolved with violence for example-
Mosquito on your ex’s cheek.
3yo: Why do we have a room just for the toilet and the bath?
Me: So people can have privacy when they’re going to the bathroom or taking a shower.
3yo: Why would someone want that?
I think I’m beginning to understand the root of much of our disconnect.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
My villain power is instantly answering insults with vicious burns like:
“I’m going to throw something at you that will stick in your face forever”
“Make like Job and suffer endlessly” &
“Nice shoes. Did you make ’em?”
The first “cowboy” was a hideous creature, born of irresponsible science.
If you bake, you’re a baker.
If you bake a baker, you’re a murderer.
These eyebrows are not my children but I will certainly raise them
Setting up a funeral business from scratch is quite the undertaking
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes